Dear Daniel

Today has been really hard. Nothing seemed right today, and of course nothing is right because you are not here. You should fucking be here. I don't know what happened that night/morning or whatever but it was a fucking mistake. You were special. Everyone knew it that's why people gravitated towards you. That's why I gravitated towards you and I am so glad I did. I am so grateful for the 7 years of friendship we had. I know that part of who I am today is because of you. You saw me at my darkest times, and pulled me out of it. Twice. Once as a lost 16 year old girl pissed off at her mother and then again as a 19 year old girl who lost her first love. You were my rock through all that. You understood my family shit in ways other people could never understand and you helped me find self worth and confidence that I never imagined I could have. You made me laugh all the time and listened to me cry when I needed it. You drove over at moments notice to help me re edit a stupid film for class that I completely fucked up on. I was about to lose my mind and you brought me back. You always had a way of grounding me and bringing me back from the crazy. I will never forget that. When I had to finally make up my mind about who I was going to chose to love, you had my back. You never judged me or talked shit about my choice. EVERY ONE thought they knew what was best for me and that I should stay with him, when I knew in my heart that I needed to leave. AND EVERY ONE thought there was something going on between us when there wasn't. I understand it is rare for a male and a female to have a friendship that is not sexual, but it is possible. I trusted you like I could never trust a man that I loved, because I knew you would never hurt me like that. Well you did hurt me, way worse, by leaving. Losing my grandpa who raised me and you who helped me through my darkest times was the hardest fucking year of my life. You two were invincible in my eyes and I would never imagine in a million years that you both would be gone. It broke me losing you guys. I did bounce back, and I am much stronger than I was. I am very close to being the person I want to be. I know no one is perfect but I am happy with where I am. The only thing missing is my two rocks, now my two angels. You were such an important person to me and the world. Thank you. Thank you for all the love and support you gave me and continue to give me. I know your there. I can feel you sometimes. Thank you for convincing me to take a chance with Eli, you were right. He is a good guy. I was so afraid of love and letting someone in, and you reminded me that the past is the past and that I shouldn't judge someone based on someone else's mistakes. You always knew the right words to say to make sense out my crazy thoughts. You knew me. I know that you had a similar connection with others because I have heard stories like that. We were lucky to know you and to have you play such an important part in our lives. And even though losing you hurt like fucking hell and still stings, I would feel that all over again tenfold to have you back with us. I miss you Daniel. More than words can express, and more than I can even comprehend. People may not understand our friendship, but I did and I know you did. It made more sense to me that most of my relationships with other friends and even family. You are my family because you saved me, more than once. And you were always there for me, always. I know you still are. I love you.

-Danielle

throw back

these are some old poems i just found that i wrote about five years ago...

Dont know what to do...

shit, why do i feel so alone? like i got no one or nowhere to call home, i pick up the phone, in hopes of hearing friendly face, and its such a disgrace, that i dont have anyone anymore, its like whats the use of living for? if you have no one to share it with, no one to spare it with, no one to bare it with, and its like this feeling of emptiness inside, and it i cant hide, its like you want the answer, but you dont even know the question, you feel like someones messing, with your mind, and you cant find, the reason why, why you deserve all this shit, why you have to take all the hits, day after day, untill one day, you just say, whats on your mind, to find, out that no ones there, no one cares, and your like well isnt this great, that you finally found the hate, but you have no one to take it out on, its been so long, since i've felt that someone actually cared, and is not just there, to play a part, begin or start, something new, but pretty soon, they'll leave too, and im here again, stuck in the same position, having no one to listen, i hate wondering if someone will come back for you, or if someone is going through, this same shit that your going through, but who knew, that in reality we are all alone, and their really isnt anyone on the other line of the phone, just a voice, that gives you a choice, whether to believe it or not, i mean im not asking for a lot, just for someone to be there to hold me, make me feel like their only, if only, for a little while, yeah my style, isnt that great, yeah maybe im late, but dont hate, im just trying to express how i feel, and wondering if anything good is really real, and if anything will last, fuck the past, it went way to fast, like time is moving now, and leaves us to wonder how, to take the hits while they're coming, to stay and fight, or keep on running? the same old song is humming, over and over, in the back of your mind, i dont want to unwind, i dont want to feel, i dont want to believe the past was real, that it didnt steal, everything i had, and im so pissed at me, cause i didnt see, it coming, it didnt expect it, i couldnt predict it, it just came and knocked me down, to the ground, and somehow, i found the strength to get back up, and fight it all, even if i fall, i know i gave it my all, i can keep on going, knowing, that at least i tried, that you lied, telling me, we would forever be, but yeah i know i need to let that go, i know, that it will never go, back to the way it used to be, even if i can still see, it so perfect, so clearly, replaying forever, just know that forever, together, is never, ever, true, cause if you believe it, it will tear you apart and eat at you, untill you just dont know what to do...

For You...

You changed the way i viewed the world, you changed my perception of boys and girls, you made me realize, that not all guys, lead up to lies, and that its not all lust, and you casn learn to trust, you gave me the will, to kill, the old me, i didnt know who she, was, becuase, she was not what i wanted to be, and you could see, see right throught the act, you knew the facts, and i thank you for that, you gave me strength to forgive, the love i lost, and there was no cost, except that i fell for you, and i still do, have feelings for you, eventhough i dont want to, its not my fault, i wanted it to hault, but i cant lie to myself, i cant hide it away on some shelf, becuase i care, and when i stare, into your eyes, i get lost, and my feelings get tossed, around and it makes me crazy, and everything becomes hazy, and i cant think straight, and i hate, the way you act, the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you walk, the way you stare, that stupid hair, and the way you care, so much that i realize, so much that it opens my eyes, and shows me, that i love you more than anything, and now i guess your job is done, we had so much fun, i understand why you have to run, away, i really just want you to stay, how will i live without you, and all the stupid things you do, i cant believe your going away, its gonna be so weird not seeing you everyday, in class, damn im gonna miss your ass, and im not going to pass, you in the hall, you wont be there to catch me if i fall, or help me stand tall, or even at all, cant you see, you cant leave me, i need you now, more than ever, were supposed to be together, my love for you is strong, i wonder how long, it will take, for me to brake, down, how long it will take for me to drown, i cant even begin to imagine life without you, what the hell am i gonna do, you so damn hard to let go, you stupid hoe, you know, exactly what your doing to me, i know your trying to make me strong, but how can i, without you by my side, i need your support, i need you to sort, this all out for me, i dont know how to make this end, you were such a great friend, you were more, you whore, i need you here, i need you near, me, i know theres nothing i can do, i guess im gonna have to learn to live without you, to not have you here with me, i guess im gonna have to open my eyes, and learn to see....

Cant go back...

in this world we are so small, in this world we mean nothing at all, you think you have people to catch you when you fall, but you dont, and you wont, ever really understand, why you cant have someone holding your hand, forever, god that word is such a lie, what forever is, is you forever wondering why, you believed it would last, the past, is something that haunts us and follows us around, whether we like it or not we are bound, to it, it makes you sit, alone, dying in grief, and wallowing disbelief, that it was all just a dream, no, not a dream, but a nightmare, because no matter what i do, i want someone to care, and to be there, for comfort and support, someone to sort, this whole mess i made out, because i dont know what its all about, and i dont know what route, to take, any chance i have of finding out, i brake, and i try so hard to make, everything right, i would fight, to have everything back to the way it was, when everything was perfect because, thats the way its supposed to be, its like i cant see, hear, sleep, or breathe, without you by my side, life is a crazy ride, that i dont wanna take alone, everythings so thrown, out of placce, i need a friendly face, to get through the day, and i could stay, in those moments forever, because i treasure, them more than anything, anything at all, is better than being alone, to sit alone and ask, ask myself, why i have to mask myself, and pretend to be someone your not, because were afraid of being left out to rot, away into nothing, because you mean nothing, to them, your shit out of luck, because they dont give a fuck, about you, or what you go through, they are wrapped up in their own lives, to even notice your crying inside, dying inside, i just wanna be swept away, away back to the past, were everything was just fine, the line, was perfectly straight, and now its broken and shattered, because you realize that you never mattered, and it makes you sadder, and more depressed, more disressed, and more useless, that you did before, and you know you cant take much more, of this shit, not one bit, the candle that was lit, has finally burned out, and everything has filled me up with doubt, i really dont know what its all about, please will someone help me out, maybe i should just forget and leave like they all did, or maybe instead reveal lies they hid, maybe we should all just forget about the past, because it didnt last, it didnt stay forever strong, actually it didnt even stay all that long, i did everything wrong, i dont do anything right, i lost the sight, of you i held so tight, everything i aim for i miss, and oh god how i long for your kiss, and the touch of your face, but thats all erased, and now that i've been thrown off track, i have finally understand, that i cant go back...

It didnt even make a sound...

it sucks when you have no idea whats going on, like forgetting the words to your favorite song, when your so lost, that any cost, will do, you dont know who, exactlys on your mind, you want to find, the words to say, but they just fade away, you have no idea what to say, you dont even know if this is real, did someone steal your mind, or did you just lose it, abuse it, lit a fuse in it, and it was destroyed, you toyed, around too much, you lost your sense of touch, and to feel, how to deal, with how you feel, and your sense of sight, of wrong and right, is no longer there, you no longer care, about anything or anyone, what you thought would be is no fun, the sun, has finally died out, my world, is over, i have no shoulder, to cry on, to die on, its gone, all gone wrong, and all along, you knew it was coming, you felt the ground rumbling, but you didnt warn me about it all, you were to late to catch me when i fall, and you let me hit the ground, and it didnt even make a sound...

All i ever wanted...

all i wanted was for you to come back, i felt like without you i was off track, but now that your here, i can see clear, that what i held dear, and what i used to fear, dosent matter anyone, you walked out the door, and you didnt come back, there was a part of of me that lacked, what i needed to go on, but life does go on, it will leave you behind, like you left me, alone and blind, unable to see, or believe in me, and now after all these years your back, you want to get everything back on track, you think you can erase all that pain, you caused, that you can get rid of that stain, on my heart, i dont even know where to start, why should i forgive you? for all the shit you put me through, why should you be given another chance? to make everything right, without a fight, you really think you can do that? just at a snap of your finger and its all back? you said you were grateful you werent late, well isnt that great? NO! your wrong, it took too long, for you to sort, your a fucking day late and a dollar too short, im sick of this shit, you saying you can change, saying you can rearrange, but we both know in our hearts what, you did, what you hid, what you said, and how you said it, like you really meant it, but i'll never believe your bull, even if you try to push and pull, me in your direction, like your fucking perfection, and now your telling me what to do, after all the shit you put me through, you honestly think im gonna listen to you? i know your just waiting for me to fuck up, well you can stick that shit right up, your ass cause i dont give a fuck, your shit outta luck, cause im me, and im going to be, me, and you'll see, thats all i need to be, i have my own voice, i can make my own choice, just leave me the fuck alone, you dont know me anymore, i dont think you ever knew me at all, when i called, you just watched me as i falled, so now its my turn, to turn, my back on you, put you through the shit you do, but whatever im done, im gonna run, what? dont? well wait isnt that your thing? to leave wayy before that the fat lady sings? oops i think i just stepped on a crack, and broke my mommy dearests helpless back.

Learn to forgive...

i feel like crying, i feel like dying, and i do know why, there is this guy, this guy i cant get out of my head, and when i lay in bed, hes on mind, and my feelings unwind, and i realized how much im in love, and i want to shove, it away from me, cause i dont want to be, in love, its happened before, and i lost a lot more, than i thought i would, than i thought i could, more than i should, but nothing can change the past, yeah at times it went too fast, and most good things didnt last, they faded away, into the shade, of my mind, time, does not heal, it makes whats real, harder to deal, time is to easy to steal, when you dont care how they feel, and you make them hurt, are treated like dirt, and let your anger out, scream and shout, about, everything thats gone wrong, and begin to realize how long, you've had to deal, with the shit, and this feeling in the pit, of my stomach, like somethings wrong, like somethings gone, i just want it to go away, for everything good to stay, keep the pain at bay, and just lay and cry, and you dont die, you just continue to live, and you learn to forgive...

Never know...

im so confused, my hearts been abused, you need to understand, that i do want you to be my man, but im lost, losing you would cost, a lot to me, you need to see, that i do like you, and i do care, but right now a relationship is a dare, im stuck between two, i dont know what to do, i want you, but i dont, everytime i see him, my heart skips a beat, he sweeps me off my feet, then pulls me in, makes my head spin, when i come down, it starts all over again, i just need to sit and think, because before i blink, i might lose you, and i dont want to, i wanna run, but i need to walk, i wanna keep quiet, but i need to talk, i just dont know what to say, eventhough i think of you everyday, hes there, right in front of me, he weakens my knees, and i fall for him, i guess i can never win, maybe loves not for me, maybe its not meant to be, if i cant choose, then you both i will lose, and that i cant bare, i'll miss you and your crazy hair, and his sexy stare, a decision i cant make, your hearts i dont wanna brake, maybe i should just give up on guys, i dont want to live with lies, its not fair to be with someone, and wish for another, my heart is smothered, your perfect and hes not, but theres just something about him that makes him hott, something about him that makes me smile, the time i spend with him is more than worth while, but dont get me wrong, my feelings for you are strong, but i cant decide, from the truth i cannot hide, i want you, but i need him, i like you, but i love him, he sticks to me like glue, i really dont know what to do, i guess my feelings i'll never show, and you and him will never know...

How to hate you...

damn cant you see im in love with you? but i guess you dont know, you see right through, me, it looks as if you dont care, you wont even give me a stare, when i walk right by you, you act like you never knew me, who i am, and who i used to be, but i really want to hold youme tight, everyday and every single night, for your love i would fight, till my last breath, i would stand by you, and be true, im giving you my heart for the taking, but instead of it living its breaking, and making, me cry, making me want to die, i would never lie, about whats inside my heart, even if you threw a dart, right through and made it shatter, like it didnt matter, like i didnt matter, it took a while for my mind to dawn, on the fact that you were gone, and that maybe i should try to move on, that im wasting my time, you wouldnt even give a dime for me, im just too blind to see, that you dont give a shit about me, and that you couldnt care less, im just such a mess, thats not worth cleaning, not worth leaning, on, with no meaning, maybe someday i'll see, how bad you really were for me, no matter how much i want to, i cant hate you, no matter how much i need to, i wont hate you, i'll be forever trapped, knocked down and slapped, by you, if only i knew, how to hate you...

Stop!

why is everything spinning out of control, why is there such a big hole, in my heart, fuck where should i start, with how things fall apart, that nothing good lasts forever, NEVER! thats just the way it is, believe me when i say this, i wish i could forget him, and let you in, i wish i could love you, as much as you love me, that we could be together, and be happy, but im too fucked up, i have issues, if you, could only understand, that i want to take your hand, and let you lead me away, from all this stess and all this pain, and help me become happy once again, but then, here i go fucking shit up, starting the shit, you can bet on it, that nothing with me will ever last, you should just try and put me in your past, fuck this is all happening so fast, MAKE IT STOP! i just want it to stop, i just want to breathe, and be relieved, of every fucking thing, thats making me go insane, im still thinking about whats his name, why? i dont know why? why? why is the sky blue? its a stupid fucking question, just please listen, were not looking for the same thing, your looking for a steady, im looking for a fling, im just not ready, to committ, to it, to anything, its just the way i am, can you hear this? serious, is not in my vocabulary, yeah i know what im saying sounds scary, its even freaking me out, i gotta stop thinking about, everything so much, always thinking, what if? what if? what if what? FUCK! someone slap me, someone wake me up, bring me back to reality, i really need to grow up, and show up, face the way i feel, thats why im pushing it away, because someday, you could hurt me, damn i look in the mirror, and see, a whiny ass bitch, afraid to commit, afraid to be hurt, well thats how you learn, thats life, you fall and get back up, sometimes alone, and sometimes you need help, you cant do everything by yourself, try to figure it out, and put it all in place, jsut erase, all the doubt, and straighten this out, look inside your soul, you've got control, even if its not a lot, you just say the word, and it all will stop...

Out of reach...

i remember that look in your eyes, that told me everything was fine, the look that covered the lies, and how this never ends, who spends, more time talking shit, who takes more hits, cause honestly i lost count, amd faith cause i can count, on you, to be true, i wish i knew, but damn now thats its over and done, im realizing how much im missing you, what did i do? i never knew, how much you meant to me, that i really need you near me, im falling faster everyday, everyway, you would look at me, everyway, you would kiss me, fuck you need to see, that it dosent matter what was said, let those stupid thoughts leave your head, can we do it again? this life is a crazy roller coaster, built to crash, lets smash, all those things that got in the way, to make us stay, cause alone were going nowhere, i mean is it really over? i cant stand what we've become, you just need to come, back to me, i know that you can still feel, we can deal, i know it all seems broken now, and were not sure how, to fix all the pieces, pieces of our hearts, let the tide, pull you back to my side, pull us both back into place, your face, erases all doubts, its hard to say just what i feel, and i wish i could really, tell you all this, to kiss, you again, but as im staring at you, im loosing my speech, cause im staring at something, thats out of reach...

Dont Know What To Do

Babe you really hurt me, stole my sight so i couldnt see. you left me in the dark, confused and lost, not even knowing where to start, on how to tell you, that you broke my heart. fuck i guess im still in shock. i didnt see this coming, i never expected this from you, I really did love you, and the sad thing is, that i still do. im just sick of the drama, sick of the lies, just sitting here shitless as our friendship dies. i cant stand this shit anymore, i dont think i can take it anymore. Im looking at the grey sky, listening to the rain. trying to focus on something, something besides this pain. they say when you lose you also gain, cause losing you made me realize, that beneath all the lies, beneath the deciet, beneath the defeat, that you mean more than anything to me. now that we have had some time to breathe, time to think more clearly, cause i know what we had was real and clearly, i need you near me. your everything i want and more, i guess this is the price i have to pay for, having someone so perfect. yeah i dont deserve this, well i dont think i do, but i do know that i love you, things just were too good to be true, and now i just dont know what to do. take you back, or make you pack? cause either way i will still love you, and either way i will hurt like i do. i just wanna get through, all this pain and just move on. Either run with you, or leave you behind. im losing my mind, cause i cant find, the reason why. why i deserved to be cheated, you said i was all that you needed. and then i wonder if you treated, all your girls this way. reminding her everyday, that she is beautiful, that she is your life, that you dream of her being your wife, that you couldnt imagine life, without her. your words sound so empty, like i didnt mean anything. i just cant believe this happened to us, i guess your lust (for her), was stronger than your love (for me), and that maybe, you still want what you two had, well its too bad, that you cant have us both. that you cant play me this way, and just get away, with it. this just dosent make any sense, i gave you my innocence, i gave you my heart, which i guess wasnt smart, because you played me, and everything your saying to me, i cant really trust. i know you wish you could take it back, well reality check, things dont just work out like that. im not gonna play, the role your putting me in, in this little game. if we start things again, will it end up the same? or will you actually tell me the truth? for once be selfless and stop thinking about what you'll lose, but instead trying to live up to something new, someone true. damn i love you, but like i said before, i just dont know what to do.

Smile :)

Why are you doing this to me/Why are you abusing me?You know im crazy about you/and that i would do/anything to be with you./And your taking this to your advantage/and then/i take the shit again./Will it ever end?/Can i let you go?/Someone please tell me so./Cause im trapped/all wrapped/up in your game./I worship your name/your pictures in a frame/beside my bed./Your words stay in my head/and replay over and over/Like a broken record/that never stops./Even if it drops/it just keeps on going./That voice/your voice/ fuck make it stop./I cant take much more/what are you doing this for?/Do you like seeing me in pain/is it some kind of gain/to see me this way?/I try to keep you at bay/but then you smile/which makes me smile/but also while/that smile/seems so innocent and sweet./That same smile can beat/me down and break me/and make me/shatter/into a million pieces/like i never mattered/like you never cared/like we never really shared anything at all./Your letting me fall/and your not gonna catch me/your just gonna watch me./FUCK how stupid am i really/for letting my feelings/grab hold/and mold/my heart to belong to you./Well are you happy now/it does./Its all fucking yours/so take it/what are you waiting for?/You got all you wanted/go flaunt it!/I cant believe i trusted you/what the fuck did i see in you?/Besides those eyes i could get lost in/that smile that could win/any girls heart./But where do i start?/With the other side of you./that makes you think you/can play anyone/with all your crap./I can see right through/right through your shitty act./It make take a while/for me to slap that smile/that fucking grin/right off your face./I cant let this begin/again/i need to erase/ erase all the feelings i have for you/because they give you the power to control me./ damn i really need to let you go/will you please let me know/if i can leave/that i dont have to grieve/your loss./That your not the boss/that i have my own choice/i just need to get your voice/out of my head/and listen to him instead./Because he really loves me/and he really cares./Unlike you/he supported me through it all/through all/of your shit/and i owe him this/my heart./I dont want to even start, with how fucked up my heart is/he dosent deserve this./But hes by my side anyway/here for me anyday/will help me anyway/and will stay/by me till the end/even if hes only my friend./But i do know one thing/and that is this needs to end./I need my heart back/i need to get back on track/just please give it back./Im sorry i hurt you/im sorry this hurts you/but you need to let me go/so/we can both move on./You need to be strong/for both of us/and make the choice/to let me go/and you should find someone else/that can make you happy./Cause thats all i want/is you to be happy./And i know all this drama/is making us both feel crappy./So put on that smile/that i love so much./That loving, caring smile/that i need so much/to reaasure me/that my decision is right./That it is right/to let you go/let you know/that this is the end./I still love you as a friend/and that frown i would love to mend/i'd just do anything/to see that smile again. :)

:)

For the first time in a longggg time, probably ever lol, i felt like i was truly free. these past few years of my life i have really been struggling with letting go of the past, having my fair share of wins and losses, but now, today, i feel like im finally free of that struggle. like i won my battle with the past, kicked its ass and sent it packing. its such a trip to look back at the person i was.. i was so depressed and just stuck in this negative way of thinking. i used to be so naiive, trying to fix the past, change people, and control everything around me. there is no way i can truly fix the past, and i have realized that. the past is the past, as obvious as that sounds it can really be a hard thing for someone to accept. i've also learned that you cannot change anyone, no matter how hard you try or even how good your intentions may be... its just not your place to tell someone else how to live their life. control is one of the most baffeling things because the more you try to control everything the less control you have... but when you seriously realize that you cant control everything and other people, its such a powerful feeling. kind of ironic huh? that power that you get from letting go on your fixation on control, and focusing on yourself instead, is such a high, better than any weed or drunken night.
just a few months ago i was such a different person than i am today... i was putting myself in situations i knew would never change, and surronding myself with people that i knew were not good for me. i would say out of all those people that i have let go, there was one who was definietly the hardest. it took a lot of reality checks and space from this person for me to clearly see who they really were, and negative aspects they brought into my life and my spirit. so after months after not seeing this person i was put to the test, when we ended up crossing paths at a party. At first it was uncomfortable being a few feet away from the person who i used to care for so much, and had caused me so much pain, but then i came to the realization that the power he had over me no longer existed, and that i really didnt care that he was even there anymore. waking up today i felt new, i had this energy that i usually dont have that early in the morning lol. on the way to work i usually ignore the beautiful view of pch and how calming the drive is, i rolled down my windows breathed air that had never quite felt so clean and exhilarating and for the first time in a longggg time, probably ever lol, i felt like i was truly free :)

♥

R.I.P Deanna Marie Itow-Rust♥
May 28, 1970- March 21, 2000

Deanna,
March 21, 2000 seems like so long ago yet the pain is still so fresh in my heart... time has made it easier but i still find myself breaking down into tears 9 years later when a certain song comes on the radio or a memory comes to mind. i can still remember your voice, your laugh, and even how you smelled like insence. sometimes i trip on how different things would be with you here. your kids have grown up and are so beautiful like you, and they all even have your sense of humor and wit. i used to be so angry at you for leaving us, especially your kids, but now as i've grown older i've learned that life is hard, it is a constant struggle, with high ups and low downs..especially in our family. theres no way i could completley understand why you took your own life, but i do know that you were in pain.. i just wish you would have dealt with it a different way. i never got to thank you for being there for me, and for all the places you took me to, and everything else you did for me.. you were much more than an aunt, you were more like a second mom... i wish you could have been here to see us kids all grow up, how strong your mother is, and the amazing things that my mom has accomplished.. you would be so proud of her. i wish i could hang out and laugh with you again, and even though those memories are in time so far away, they are and always will be close to me and my heart.
i love you... and i hope you are resting in peace.♥

"How to save a life"

"Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life."

-The Fray

"Never mind what should be, or what might be, or what ought to be. It's what things are that's important."

When i came across this quote it REALLY stood out to me because i would have to say that this is an extremely hard thing for me to do, eventhough i have gotten a lot better at in the past couple of months. I mean how can you not think about things that you wish could have been or what you believe should be? When you really get deep into this it becomes a type of resentment, and any resentment isnt healthy. I should know cause this used to be me. That type of thinking can seriously drive you crazy with the past, when you should be focusing on the present and future. Don't get me wrong its not bad to think about the past.. but thinking and obsessing are not one and the same. Dwelling on what you want the present to be based on past mistakes is just pointless because you can't go back and change any of it. The most important thing is what things are. Accepting what things are is one of the hardest things for some people to do, mainly because denial is so prevalant in people today. Looking back on the past to learn how you got where you are, and learning from it will help turn your future into what you truly want it to be. The self discipline to get up and do something about the emptiness/void in your life instead of grieving and dwelling on your mistakes, will take you so far. The day you wake up without any regrets, and you accept your present and have the courage to change your future, is the day you are truly happy and are truly living life.
I am not perfect, perfection is impossible. There are and will be plenty of times that i can slip into that tempting mourning of the past that us humans love to punish ourselves with, but now i recognize when im doing it and i have the courage and the desire to get myself out of it and live my life today.

omfg i love this movie =]

almost famous



i can watch it a million times and it never gets old.

Thanksgiving

thanksgiving.. a holiday full of family time and joy.. hah yeah right. my family shouldn't be allowed to be all together at once, it results in chaos. today luckily everyone was split up and spread out in different places so there wasn't too much drama but of course there had to be at least a little or it wouldn't be my family hahaha. but i am thankful that i do have a family and that most of us are healthy and that i have pretty good relationships with them all. i don't have very many close friends anymore but i am thankful for the ones i do have and i am also thankful that i have good health and i have the opportunities and blessings that some people aren't privileged to have. i feel very lucky and i am very thankful to be me =]

happy thanksgiving!

The Return Of Saturn

So i decided to name my blog after No Doubt's album "Return of Saturn" because it represents what i am currently going through in my life...

the "return of Saturn" is known in astrology as a turning point in an individuals life. A cross road period where life-altering decisions are made. It shakes off your laid in and familiar foundations to help you find your true "self". It is the return of their Saturn, their core foundation of self.

they also say that the return of Saturn usually applies to people in their late twenties but i can't help but think that you go through such a similar experience at your early twenties as well. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person my age going through this type of "problem", its probably just a normal feeling you get when transitioning from a teenager to an adult. Its such a trip how everyone and everything around me is changing.. including myself. it also talked about how you start recognize what or who "isn't working" in your life and you have the urge to change but are sometimes held back by the familiarness of it or them. even if you don't want to admit it, everyone is at least a little scared of change, but the truth is that change is inevitable. even if you don't decide to change, something in your life will.. but you didn't have a say in it. thats why you need to make the necessary changes in your life for yourself, even if its harder than you expected or want it to be.

I understand where i am in my life and the cross road that i am currently standing in, but i choose not to be scared and unwilling to change, but be accepting and open to myself. i want to grow from this and leave my childhood behind, as scary as that sounds. i know i'm not in control of time and this moment is now.. not the past or the future, and the only thing i am in control of is myself and my present. hopefully i am truly ready to learn from my past mistakes, and truly ready to be myself in future, in this world full of conformity and sometimes impossible expectations. i am human and i do have defaults of character just like everyone else, and i will continue to make mistakes thats just part of life, it just doesn't scare me anymore like it used to. i believe that have a good understanding of the person i was, the person i am now, and the person i want to become.... the question is am i strong enough to change and fight for that person i want to become... am i really ready to let go of people and things i love that aren't healthy for me? is the risk of being alone and without worth this person? am i ready to accept that some people in my life may not agree with me and i may lose even more people i love? am i ready to let go of the old me and work hard for who i want to become?...that's my dilemma, my cross road, my return of saturn.