For the first time in a longggg time, probably ever lol, i felt like i was truly free. these past few years of my life i have really been struggling with letting go of the past, having my fair share of wins and losses, but now, today, i feel like im finally free of that struggle. like i won my battle with the past, kicked its ass and sent it packing. its such a trip to look back at the person i was.. i was so depressed and just stuck in this negative way of thinking. i used to be so naiive, trying to fix the past, change people, and control everything around me. there is no way i can truly fix the past, and i have realized that. the past is the past, as obvious as that sounds it can really be a hard thing for someone to accept. i've also learned that you cannot change anyone, no matter how hard you try or even how good your intentions may be... its just not your place to tell someone else how to live their life. control is one of the most baffeling things because the more you try to control everything the less control you have... but when you seriously realize that you cant control everything and other people, its such a powerful feeling. kind of ironic huh? that power that you get from letting go on your fixation on control, and focusing on yourself instead, is such a high, better than any weed or drunken night.
just a few months ago i was such a different person than i am today... i was putting myself in situations i knew would never change, and surronding myself with people that i knew were not good for me. i would say out of all those people that i have let go, there was one who was definietly the hardest. it took a lot of reality checks and space from this person for me to clearly see who they really were, and negative aspects they brought into my life and my spirit. so after months after not seeing this person i was put to the test, when we ended up crossing paths at a party. At first it was uncomfortable being a few feet away from the person who i used to care for so much, and had caused me so much pain, but then i came to the realization that the power he had over me no longer existed, and that i really didnt care that he was even there anymore. waking up today i felt new, i had this energy that i usually dont have that early in the morning lol. on the way to work i usually ignore the beautiful view of pch and how calming the drive is, i rolled down my windows breathed air that had never quite felt so clean and exhilarating and for the first time in a longggg time, probably ever lol, i felt like i was truly free :)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
♥
R.I.P Deanna Marie Itow-Rust♥
May 28, 1970- March 21, 2000
Deanna,
March 21, 2000 seems like so long ago yet the pain is still so fresh in my heart... time has made it easier but i still find myself breaking down into tears 9 years later when a certain song comes on the radio or a memory comes to mind. i can still remember your voice, your laugh, and even how you smelled like insence. sometimes i trip on how different things would be with you here. your kids have grown up and are so beautiful like you, and they all even have your sense of humor and wit. i used to be so angry at you for leaving us, especially your kids, but now as i've grown older i've learned that life is hard, it is a constant struggle, with high ups and low downs..especially in our family. theres no way i could completley understand why you took your own life, but i do know that you were in pain.. i just wish you would have dealt with it a different way. i never got to thank you for being there for me, and for all the places you took me to, and everything else you did for me.. you were much more than an aunt, you were more like a second mom... i wish you could have been here to see us kids all grow up, how strong your mother is, and the amazing things that my mom has accomplished.. you would be so proud of her. i wish i could hang out and laugh with you again, and even though those memories are in time so far away, they are and always will be close to me and my heart.
i love you... and i hope you are resting in peace.♥
Monday, March 16, 2009
"How to save a life"
"Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life."
-The Fray
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life."
-The Fray
Monday, January 12, 2009
"Never mind what should be, or what might be, or what ought to be. It's what things are that's important."
When i came across this quote it REALLY stood out to me because i would have to say that this is an extremely hard thing for me to do, eventhough i have gotten a lot better at in the past couple of months. I mean how can you not think about things that you wish could have been or what you believe should be? When you really get deep into this it becomes a type of resentment, and any resentment isnt healthy. I should know cause this used to be me. That type of thinking can seriously drive you crazy with the past, when you should be focusing on the present and future. Don't get me wrong its not bad to think about the past.. but thinking and obsessing are not one and the same. Dwelling on what you want the present to be based on past mistakes is just pointless because you can't go back and change any of it. The most important thing is what things are. Accepting what things are is one of the hardest things for some people to do, mainly because denial is so prevalant in people today. Looking back on the past to learn how you got where you are, and learning from it will help turn your future into what you truly want it to be. The self discipline to get up and do something about the emptiness/void in your life instead of grieving and dwelling on your mistakes, will take you so far. The day you wake up without any regrets, and you accept your present and have the courage to change your future, is the day you are truly happy and are truly living life.
I am not perfect, perfection is impossible. There are and will be plenty of times that i can slip into that tempting mourning of the past that us humans love to punish ourselves with, but now i recognize when im doing it and i have the courage and the desire to get myself out of it and live my life today.
I am not perfect, perfection is impossible. There are and will be plenty of times that i can slip into that tempting mourning of the past that us humans love to punish ourselves with, but now i recognize when im doing it and i have the courage and the desire to get myself out of it and live my life today.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
thanksgiving.. a holiday full of family time and joy.. hah yeah right. my family shouldn't be allowed to be all together at once, it results in chaos. today luckily everyone was split up and spread out in different places so there wasn't too much drama but of course there had to be at least a little or it wouldn't be my family hahaha. but i am thankful that i do have a family and that most of us are healthy and that i have pretty good relationships with them all. i don't have very many close friends anymore but i am thankful for the ones i do have and i am also thankful that i have good health and i have the opportunities and blessings that some people aren't privileged to have. i feel very lucky and i am very thankful to be me =]
happy thanksgiving!
happy thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Return Of Saturn
So i decided to name my blog after No Doubt's album "Return of Saturn" because it represents what i am currently going through in my life...
the "return of Saturn" is known in astrology as a turning point in an individuals life. A cross road period where life-altering decisions are made. It shakes off your laid in and familiar foundations to help you find your true "self". It is the return of their Saturn, their core foundation of self.
they also say that the return of Saturn usually applies to people in their late twenties but i can't help but think that you go through such a similar experience at your early twenties as well. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person my age going through this type of "problem", its probably just a normal feeling you get when transitioning from a teenager to an adult. Its such a trip how everyone and everything around me is changing.. including myself. it also talked about how you start recognize what or who "isn't working" in your life and you have the urge to change but are sometimes held back by the familiarness of it or them. even if you don't want to admit it, everyone is at least a little scared of change, but the truth is that change is inevitable. even if you don't decide to change, something in your life will.. but you didn't have a say in it. thats why you need to make the necessary changes in your life for yourself, even if its harder than you expected or want it to be.
I understand where i am in my life and the cross road that i am currently standing in, but i choose not to be scared and unwilling to change, but be accepting and open to myself. i want to grow from this and leave my childhood behind, as scary as that sounds. i know i'm not in control of time and this moment is now.. not the past or the future, and the only thing i am in control of is myself and my present. hopefully i am truly ready to learn from my past mistakes, and truly ready to be myself in future, in this world full of conformity and sometimes impossible expectations. i am human and i do have defaults of character just like everyone else, and i will continue to make mistakes thats just part of life, it just doesn't scare me anymore like it used to. i believe that have a good understanding of the person i was, the person i am now, and the person i want to become.... the question is am i strong enough to change and fight for that person i want to become... am i really ready to let go of people and things i love that aren't healthy for me? is the risk of being alone and without worth this person? am i ready to accept that some people in my life may not agree with me and i may lose even more people i love? am i ready to let go of the old me and work hard for who i want to become?...that's my dilemma, my cross road, my return of saturn.
the "return of Saturn" is known in astrology as a turning point in an individuals life. A cross road period where life-altering decisions are made. It shakes off your laid in and familiar foundations to help you find your true "self". It is the return of their Saturn, their core foundation of self.
they also say that the return of Saturn usually applies to people in their late twenties but i can't help but think that you go through such a similar experience at your early twenties as well. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person my age going through this type of "problem", its probably just a normal feeling you get when transitioning from a teenager to an adult. Its such a trip how everyone and everything around me is changing.. including myself. it also talked about how you start recognize what or who "isn't working" in your life and you have the urge to change but are sometimes held back by the familiarness of it or them. even if you don't want to admit it, everyone is at least a little scared of change, but the truth is that change is inevitable. even if you don't decide to change, something in your life will.. but you didn't have a say in it. thats why you need to make the necessary changes in your life for yourself, even if its harder than you expected or want it to be.
I understand where i am in my life and the cross road that i am currently standing in, but i choose not to be scared and unwilling to change, but be accepting and open to myself. i want to grow from this and leave my childhood behind, as scary as that sounds. i know i'm not in control of time and this moment is now.. not the past or the future, and the only thing i am in control of is myself and my present. hopefully i am truly ready to learn from my past mistakes, and truly ready to be myself in future, in this world full of conformity and sometimes impossible expectations. i am human and i do have defaults of character just like everyone else, and i will continue to make mistakes thats just part of life, it just doesn't scare me anymore like it used to. i believe that have a good understanding of the person i was, the person i am now, and the person i want to become.... the question is am i strong enough to change and fight for that person i want to become... am i really ready to let go of people and things i love that aren't healthy for me? is the risk of being alone and without worth this person? am i ready to accept that some people in my life may not agree with me and i may lose even more people i love? am i ready to let go of the old me and work hard for who i want to become?...that's my dilemma, my cross road, my return of saturn.
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